March 30[th] 1839
I now attempt to write you a few lines to express, in short, the feelings and desired of my heart. I saw Brother Kimball at Far west soon after you left that place, and he invited me very Strongley to come back and go with him to England. I asked him if he Could forgive me, and he said yes. I asked him if the Church would for give me, and he said yes. and I told him I would come and go with him. and so I will (if the Lord permit).
When I see you and the Church I will give you a full history of my course, and the reasonings of my mind; and freely confess all my sins; and as to the terms upon which I can be recived back into my place I shall not be pocticlar; for to live in this way I cannot; and to join any other society, I have no more disposition then to eat when I am full. I talked of writing to England, but have not don it. I saw I was pl[a]ced in a situation that I could do no good, and felt disposed to do as little harm as possible. Sometimes, during the past winter my mind had ben so exercised that I could nether work nor sleep, and would frequently find myself weeping before I was a ware of it; and asking myself this qu[e]stin why in God,s name is it so. what have I don that I am left in this situation, or rather that I have ben suffered to fall into this dilemma. when I returned from England, my spirit was pure and my soul loved virtue. I was uncoscious of guilt. when I lay sick at Farwest I thaught if I could but depart. I should be at rest. I felt like taking no part whatever in the Danite movements. the convisions of my own mind ware, that it was not a good and virtuous institutioun, and these Conv[i]ctions ware strengthend by the tales of some who had been initiated into the mysteries &c, &c.
But those things do not rest upon my mind with that weight which they did at that time, I may say, they are no more in my mind now then afeather in the wind. I had engaged a school which would have been worth three hundred dollars a year or more before I started for Far West. I however, would not bind my self for only a Quarter at a time. when in the upper Country I intended to have gone to Liberty to see the prisoners, But their had ben an attempt made to rescue them a few days before, and for this reason they would admit no one into the prison; theirfore I did not go. I spoke with Parlay through the Cracks and thaught If I had ben a Sampson. the prisoners should go free.
Bro. Kimball told me I had better get clear of my school if I Coulc. I have done so since I returned, and expect Bro. Oliver Olney to send a team here for my family in the Course of two or three weeks. He will take them to the Iowa Territory, there is a fine chance for me in a wholesale Grocery here, Can get good wages and am now in the owners employ until the team coms. Had I better remain here a time in order to fit myself for a m ission or a campaign, or had I better leave as soon as the team Coms for my familey, and if I leave here whare shall I find the authorieties of the Church. the chastning hand of the Lord has don for me that which nothing else would. I think, If the Church will accept me as a minister, or a sol[d]ier, or a door-keeper, they can have me. I need not write to you that I have litterally died and ben rased from the dead since I was last at Far West, But I will tell you more about it when I see you face to face. Keep this part to yourself, if you please -
Brigham, will you forgive me: will the Church forgive me? If So, God will for give me. Please write me immeditly on rct of this and tell me all you think to be for my good Direct to New Franklin Howard County Mo whatever the church may Decide upon respecting my case, they may rest assuard that the feelings of following are the real wishes of my hart.
"I truly wish Mount Zion well What ere becoms of me,"
With a fresh remambrence of formar times, and formar sceans, with feelings of tnderest kind towards you, and all all with whome you and are conneceted, I Subscribe myself your Younger Brother in a distant land feeding swine